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First, I want to say that as a follower of Christ, I do not believe anyone is trash. So why the “trashy” title of this blog post? Keep reading and I’ll explain.
Second, this blog post is written from a female perspective (mostly me and my friend, Jacquelyn). Women are guilty of many of the same “trashy” actions I outline below. I wrote this blog post as a way to encourage better dating practices for both men and women.
The phrase “men are trash” is pretty common in 2020. You can even purchase t-shirts and wine glasses with this bold saying front and center. If you’re unfamiliar with the phrase, it is typically said by women as a way to explain male behavior.
“Oh, he was texting you for a week straight and all of the sudden you never heard from him again? Well, men are trash so just accept it and move on.”
“You told him your desired physical boundaries in a relationship and he didn’t want to see you again? Well what do you expect? Men are trash.”
Is it true? Are men trash?
God created each one of us beautifully and in His image, so therefore, it is simply impossible for anyone to be garbage. So I guess I kind of answered my own question.
Nevertheless, I think there are men today who act like trash and go on to treat women like trash.
A few weeks back I was having a conversation with a good friend. Like me, this friend is also single in her mid twenties, and at times struggles with it.
We were venting to each other about the fact that our family and friends think we’re cool, fun, and not completely unattractive, yet guys don’t seem to have the same opinions about us.
This friend then went on to speak these words:
“Honestly, I think my only hope of ever getting a man to commit to me is if I drop 10 pounds and get botox.”
When I heard this, I was pretty upset with her. My friend is beautiful and petite. She’s clever and smart. She takes care of her body by working out daily and also follows a pretty strict diet (with the occasional glass or 3 of wine :). I was so frustrated that she believed she had to make a ton of changes to her appearance in order for a guy to date her.
But then I realized that if I’m honest with myself, I share her same thoughts. After being in the dating game (well, mostly the online dating game) for a while it’s really easy to believe that if I was prettier and skinnier, then more guys would swipe right or try to talk to me.
I reached out to my friends on Instagram and asked them to share their Christian dating experiences, both good and bad.
I know I’ve had some pretty ridiculous interactions with men, and turns out, so have a lot of other women! Overall, my friends and I can group our NEGATIVE experiences with men into the personas below:
This is a common one for a lot of women. Guy asks you out, you have a great time. You continue to talk off and on (with the female typically always initiating the conversation). Eventually, he just stops talking to you, and you don’t hear from him for days.
You get up the nerve to call him out and ask what’s the deal? His excuse? Oh, he just “sucks at communication.” He’s always sucked at communication and it probably won’t change.
Ok, I realize that texting a person back is not everyone’s first priority, but if you’re interested in a girl and want to see her again, is it wrong to expect at least some communication? And if you are a bad communicator, are you doing anything to improve your communication skills?
Ladies love an ambitious guy. A man with a stable career is extremely attractive. However, we all know the workaholic who puts in 60 hours a week and just “doesn’t have time” to focus on a relationship right now.
Ok, I realize there is a time and place to focus on one’s career. I also understand that relationships can be a distraction and not always what career-minded men (and women) are looking for.
My problem with the overly career-minded male is when he is dating someone, but makes her an option, not a priority.
This guy is comfortable to just “hang out” with a girl for months, but only when it’s convenient for him and works in his schedule.
At the end of the day, we all make time for the people and activities most important to us, maybe not as much time as we’d ideally like, but we still make time. And that’s all I have to say about that.
This one is pretty self-explanatory. He’s looking for sex and once he figures out he won’t find it with you, he moves on.
On a related note, men who use the phrase “cuddle buddy” or who indicate they want to “snuggle,” please stop.
So this guy is super common, especially when it comes to online dating. I think one of the biggest struggles with online dating is finding men who are serious about their faith!
So many men put “Christian” as their religion, but this means different things to different people.
I can’t tell you how many times I (and my friends who also online date) have matched with a guy, had great conversation, but when religion comes up it all goes downhill.
“Yeah I grew up going to church but I don’t really practice religion anymore.”
“I believe in God, but it’s not super important to me to date someone who also believes in God.”
“I know if I stick to my morals and believe what I believe I will be acceptable on God’s terms.”
These are real quotes from real men I and others have matched with online. It’s frustrating, and if I’m being honest, it doesn’t make me very hopeful that there are actually any good, Christian men online.
So here’s the thing: men are not 100% to blame in the situations above.
As women, it’s easy to justify these behaviors. Sometimes, we even convince ourselves that we’re the problem.
Why do we constantly work to keep conversations going with men who are bad at communicating and who clearly don’t want to get to know us?!
Why do we give excuses to men who can’t commit or decide they don’t have the time or energy to communicate with us?!
Why do we let guys treat us like a girlfriend when in reality he doesn’t want to date? He shouldn’t be able to get the benefits of you without having any of the other qualities that make a relationship. It’s not fair to you.
Here’s the deal ladies: we do NOT deserve to be treated like this. I know there are great, Christian men out there. Most of the ones I know are married or not interested in dating. Cool. 🙃 BUT, they are out there.
Do we expect Christain, single men to be perfect? Absolutely not! However, I think we all can agree there’s room for improvement when it comes to dating.
In light of all of this, I think one of the biggest questions I have for single, Christan men is this:
Where is the pursuit?!
I know there are ambitious, caring, God-fearing men out there who are single. Everyone tells me and my other single friends that these guys exist.
Are we looking in all of the wrong places? I don’t think so.
It’s really hard for me to continue moving forward in this Christian dating world and not keep coming back to the phrase “men are trash.”
That’s why I have a challenge for any of the men reading this who are a little upset with my “trash take:”
You heard me, prove me wrong.
As Christians we are called to live our lives differently: transformed by the Holy Spirit. We are called to treat each other with love and respect. To live set apart also means to date differently.
With that being said, ladies and gentlemen, we both need to be better.
Ladies: Hold yourself with more respect. Know who you are and what you deserve and don’t accept anything less. Don’t allow men to treat you poorly, take advantage of your friendship, and string you along. Be bold enough to walk away.
Men: Be intentional and practice integrity. Do what you say you’re going to do and communicate your expectations.
If you’re reading this and saying to yourself, “I’m a Christian man and I don’t treat women like trash,” then I have another challenge for you: be a leader and example to those around you.
If you see your brother in Christ treating women poorly, call him out! Ask about his intentions, and challenge him to do better.
Did something (or many things) in this blog post offend you? I hope so.
There’s room for improvement for all of us, and I believe if we can keep talking about it, we’ll get closer to dating the way God intended us to date.